Fake Interview: Rex Ryan

Samson: Hi Rex.
Rex Ryan: Hey what’s up? How the (expletive) are you?
Samson: I’m doing fine but probably not as good as your Jets.
Rex Ryan: Oh (expletive) yeah. These (expletive) Jets are going down with one of the greatest teams of all time.
Samson: I admire the confidence but how are you going to go down as one of the best teams of all time when you don’t even have a top 20 quarterback?
Rex Ryan: You talking about Sanchize? That (expletive) kid has just been laying low the past two years tricking people into believing he is an average quarterback at best. This year he’s coming out Peyton Manning style, who I have a personal vendetta with by the way. I like to use this analogy, Mark Sanchez is like a fried bologna sandwich and Peyton Manning is like a barrel of apples. Sure with apples you know what you’re getting and they’re much better for you, but god (expletive) I want a fried bologna sandwich.
Samson: You mentioned it being personal with Peyton Mannning. How hard is it to go home to a son named Payton?
Rex Ryan: Well it’s tough but at least it’s spelled differently. Although it probably will be personal with my son Payton someday.
Samson: In the playoffs, you mentioned it being personal with not only Manning but with Belichick and Brady too. Is there anyone it isn’t personal with?
Rex Ryan: Chan Gailey because until your interview with him a few weeks back, I didn’t even know who he was even though we’re in the same division.
Samson: I have to admit that the blunt manner in which you carry yourself is refreshing. Where does that confidence come from?
Rex Ryan: Well as you know, my Daddy was one of the greatest (expletive) coaches of all time and he ran the greatest (expletive) defense of all time. He told me I could be anything I want to be. In fact if you’ve ever seen the movie Billy Madison, towards the end of the movie the O’Doyles are in a station wagon chanting ‘O’doyle rules, O’doyle rules, O’doyle rules) That with me and my brother Rob in the backseat was pretty much my childhood.
Samson: How was it growing up with your brother Rob?
Rex Ryan: It was great, we were always rasslin’ and fightin’ like brothers should. Not only is he a great brother but the greatest (expletive) defensive coordinators in the game. I guarantee you that the team we beat in the Super Bowl will be the Dallas Cowboys.
Samson: There you go with guarantees again. Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is an offer a money back guarantee?
Rex Ryan: No thanks. I’ll just continue to make guarantees where if I’m wrong I lose nothing but If I’m right I look like a genius.
Samson: That sounds fair enough but you realize if you lose the next 2 AFC championship games, you’ll be a lamer version of the Buffalo Bills?
Rex Ryan: That won’t happen. I guarantee it.
Samson: Ok, I’ll mark it down. Let get away from the field for a minute. What’s up with the foot fetishes?
Rex Ryan: I think my love of football just transferred to a love of feet.
Samson: Would it be safe to say if you go to a mall, Foot Locker is your Victoria’s Secret?
Rex Ryan: I would have to agree with that. Last valentine’s day I surprised my wife with Dr. Scholl’s®
For Her Rub Relief™ Strips.
Samson: Well thanks for the insight. Can you guarantee any other years you will win the Super Bowl?
Rex Ryan: Sure. 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2018, 2019.
Samson: What happened in 2017?
Rex Ryan: Folk missed one wide left in the championship game
Samson: Oh… rough. Thanks coach:
Rex Ryan: You’re (expletive) welcome.