25 More Ways for the Patriots to Cheat

I’m a big fan of the Patriots cheating. It’s great because their cheating methods are so ridiculous and minuscule that they could still win without using them but they do it anyway. I came up with my own list of what I would like to see them do next while its’s entirely possible they are already using some of these ideas.

1. Dousing Gronk in Bacon Grease

If you thought he was difficult to tackle before, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

2. The First Down Chain

When they’re on offense they remove 3 or 4  links from the first down chain. When they’re on defense they add an extra 3 or 4 links

3. Magnet in the Football

This would have many benefits. Receivers and defensive players could wear magnetic gloves. It would make catching the ball and recovering fumbles easier. They could add a magnetic net behind the goals posts to help them make field goals. The possibilities are endless.

4. Splice in Little Giants Footage During Official Booth Reviews

I’m not exactly sure how this would give them an advantage but it just kind of seems like it would

5. The End Zone Militia Putting Real Ammo Their Muskets

The 1776 gangstas will cap your ass

6. Strobe Light Stadium Lights

A new way to lose the ball in the lights

7. Sending a Hooker to the Visiting Team’s Hotel to Weaken the Opponents Legs

Warren Sapp wishes they would have done that when he played

8. Remove Opponents Points One-by-One

When no one’s looking, remove one point from the opponents score. “Hey, how’d they get 5 points?”

9. Game Clock When Winning

The scoreboard operator will run the clock at 1.5x normal speed. Not that noticeable but will make a bog difference

10. Game Clock When Losing

The scoreboard operator will run the clock at .5x normal speed

11. Industrial Powered Fans

Putting industrial powered fans in the endzone the visiting team is moving towards

12. The Player Official

Dressing one of their players as an official and putting them on the field to get in the way of receivers, determine fumble recoveries etc.

13. Catering from Golden Corral

Sure, it’s seems hospitable to treat the visiting team… until they’re on the toilet for the rest of the day

14. Willy Wonka Hallway for the Visiting Team

This would just play mind games on the opposing team. The only player it wouldn’t affect would be Darren Sproles… he’d still think the hallway was spacious with a nice tall door

15. Bring Their Own Penalty Flags

They could throw them on the field at any time. With the incompetent officiating crews we have, they would probably just make up a call so they wouldn’t have to retract the penalty.

16. Invisible Fencing on Sidelines

The real trick would be getting their opponents to wear an athletic supporter collar

17. Piping Jets Offensive Playcalls into the Opposing Quarterback’s Helmet

This would be effective in slowing down any team’s offense… including the Jets

18. Scalding Hot Door Handles on the Visiting Team’s Locker Room

Ok, I stole that one from Home Alone

19. Ventriloquist Linebacker

They can start calling out ‘hut hut’ or offensive audibles without anyone knowing. I wonder if Jeff Dunham’s can tackle?

20. Blasting ‘These Boots are Made for Walking’ into the Visiting Team’s Locker Room

It worked on David Koresh and the Branch Davidians

21. Speed Strips

Using those speed strips that cops use to slow down a vehicle in a car chase. You won’t be seeing their opponent’s taking a kickoff return to the house

22. Eagleskin Instead of Pigskin

Just seems like it would be more aerodynamic

23. Gopher Holes on the Field

Strategically placing gopher holes on the fields with the Patriots having a map to where the are

24. Double Headed Coins

Putting a double headed coin in the referee’s pocket when they’re the visiting team. Heads they win; tails they win

25. Partnering with Buffalo Wild Wings

Those guys are already fixing games