After the Bears NFC Championship game loss to the Packers, I had a fake interview with Jay Cutler. Here’s the transcript:
Samson: Hi Jay, how’s the knee?
Jay Cutler: The knee? Oh Yeah! The knee… I mean owww! It’s getting better slowly but surely.
Samson: I’m going to go to a dark place… what happened in last year’s NFC championship game?
Jay Cutler: To be honest, I don’t exactly know. I came to the sidelines after I threw an interception at the end of the first half and the trainer came up to me and told me I was hurt. I kept telling them that I was fine but they insisted that I was hurt. After halftime, I asked Lovie Smith, or as I call him LuvDog, if I could at least stand by my teammates on the sideline. He assured me it would be much more beneficial to get my viewpoint from the bench, secluded from other players distracting me.
Samson: Well Jay that makes total sense. I thought you were a quitter but it sounds like you tried toughing it out. Tell me how Bears fans treated you after that game?
Jay Cutler: Well you know, they weren’t pleased. Luckily for me, they are used to bad quarterback play. I mean their best two quarterbacks in the last 25 years were Jim McMahon and Rex Grossman.
Samson: Well, hopefully you will have some more weapons to use this year.
Jay Cutler: Yeah, definitely. We have a lot of fast receivers.
Samson: Can they run routes?
Jay Cutler: No.
Samson: Can they catch the ball?
Jay Cutler: No, but they sure are fast.
Samson: You have to be stoked about getting Roy Williams.
Jay Cutler: Oh yeah (sarcastically) maybe next we can bring Marty Booker or Muhsin Muhammad back too.
Samson: Not having enough weapons is a problem that plagued you since your days at Vanderbilt.
Jay Cutler: Yeah, but I set a whole bunch of school records there.
Samson: But, let’s be honest. That’s kind of like being the fastest offensive lineman… no one cares. In fact why did you go to Vanderbilt?
Jay Cutler: Well it was a perfect fit for me. I was smart and I wanted to showcase my talent. Plus no one expected me to win because it was Vanderbilt.
Samson: Andrew Luck goes to a school known for academics and he’s winning.
Jay Cutler: You wanna fight?!
Samson: Jay, settle down. Your anger has led you to your share of beefs with other people that I would like to ask you about. First off Josh Mc Daniels.
Jay Cutler: He inquired with another team about trading me. How dare he? I’m Jay Cutler! I have a very fragile ego and I’m like hound dog, if I even get the scent that I’m not wanted, I quit. Plus, Denver had all these expectations from a quarterback thanks to this Elway guy.
Samson: He went to and won at Stanford too.
Jay Cutler: Shut up!
Samson: What about your feud with Philip Rivers?
Jay Cutler: Just because he throws for more yards and touchdowns and less interceptions, he thinks he’s better than me.
Samson: Let me ask you what about your engagement with Kristin Cavallari.
Jay Cutler: Well the thing is… owwwwww!
Samson: Jay, where are you going? We’re only half way through the interview.
Jay Cutler: Vocal cord injury. Bring in Todd Collins.
Samson: Ok. Hi Todd
Todd Collins: Hi
Samson: Todd, how did you ever make it to the NFL?
Todd Collins: I have no idea.
Samson: Thanks, Todd.