Quarterback Cursed Teams

Green Bay has had nearly 25 years straights of Hall of Fame quarterback play but many teams aren’t so lucky. Below are teams that seem to be cursed at the quarterback position and becuase I’m a nice beard, I’m here to help them exorcise the demons.

Washington Redskins

Name of the Curse: The Curse of the Detached Leg

Cursed Since: Joe Theismann broke his leg on Monday Night Football

I know what you’re saying; you’re saying “how can it be the curse of Joe Theismann if they’ve won 2 Super Bowls since that injury?” I’ll explain. The 2 Super Bowls they won were hardly the result of great Quarterback play. I may receive some flak for criticizing the first African-American quarterback to win the Super Bowl but let’s face it, aside from Super Bowl XXII he wasn’t a great player. In 1991, Mark Rypien led a 14-2 team to Super Bowl XXVI where they beat the Buffalo Bills. Again, hardly a great quarterback besides that year. The long list since them includes, Heath Shuler, Jeff George, Gus Frerotte, Danny Wuerffel, Patrick Ramsey, Jason Campbell, Donovan McNabb and of course Bobby Griffin the Turd.

How to Exorcise the Demons: Burn Lawrence Taylor’s #56 jersey at halftime of their game against the Giants and have all the quarterbacks get Joe Theismann’s face tattooed on their right leg.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Name of the Curse: Expand This! (obscene gesture)

Cursed Since: They entered the league as an expansion team

Good news for Bucs fans; this one may be coming to an end. It has been a brutal 39 years for this franchise and it all started with Steve Spurrier in year one. Since then, they’ve had Doug Williams (see above) Steve DeBerg and they almost killed Steve Young’s career. Then they drafted a can’t miss quarterback in Vinny Testaverde and they missed. Then they drafted can’t miss quarterback Trent Dilfer and they missed. Then they drafted Shaun King and… strike 3, you’re out. They won a Super Bowl with Brad Johnson but that was short lived. They have tried some wacky combinations since then under the tutelage of quarterback guru Jon Gruden and have still failed. There is some light now. Jameis Winston is entering his second year as a full time starter and looks to possess all the qualities that make a good quarterback.

How to Exorcise the Demons: If Winston doesn’t work out,, move the team to Gainesville and name Steve Spurrier head coach.

Chicago Bears

Name of the Curse: Out of Luck Man

Cursed Since: The days of Sid Luckman

This goes back many decades long before I was even a thought so I am only qualified to comment on what’s happened for the last 20 years but it hasn’t been good. The main names have been Jim Harbaugh, Jim McMahon, Jim Miller, Kordell Stewart, Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton and Jay Cutler. Talk about a crap pile. Jay Cutler has been the best quarterback they’ve had since Jim Harbaugh…I don’t if that’s praise or and insult, I’ll let you decide

How to Exorcise the Demons: Have the Bears quarterbacks revert to wearing leather helmets and give Jay Cutler #42

Buffalo Bills

Name of the curse: Lord of the No Rings

Cursed Since: They lost their last Super Bowl to the Cowboys

It was a slow acting curse that started when Scott Norwood missed a 47 yard field goal in Super Bowl XXV but went into full effect when Buffalo lost their 4th Super Bowl in a row after the 1993 season. Jim Kelly only had to endure a few years of the curse and he will still be remembered as a great quarterback. They tried the lethal Todd Collins, Alex Van Pelt, Doug Flutie, Rob Johnson rotation but to the surprise of everyone, it failed. After Tom Brady and the Patriots won Super Bowl XXXVI it made Drew Bledsoe expendable and the Bills jumped on that like a pack of dogs on a 3 legged cat. Bledsoe only lasted 3 years and was shipped off to a pasture in Dallas to live out his final days. The JP Losman experiment didn’t work very well nor did the Trent Edwards experiment. Their current quarterback is Tyrod Taylor so the curse is still going strong.

How to Exorcise the Demons: Next time the Bills play the Giants, sign Scott Norwood for the game. Get the ball on the 30 yard line and try a 47 yd field goal. If he makes it the curse will start breaking. When you play the Redskins, have Mark Rypien stand on your sideline bringing up the Redskins curse. Finally when you play the Cowboys, have Don Beebe chase Leon Lett around the field 4 times. Whhewww. That’s a long curse to break.

Miami Dolphins

Name of the Curse: Unlucky 13

Cursed Since: Dan Marino retired without winning a Super Bowl

In many circles it is believed that Dan Marino is the best quarterback of all time, except when it’s brought up someone inevitably says “yeah, but he doesn’t have a ring”. Because of this, Marino put a curse on the Dolphins franchise ensuring that no quarterback after him would win one either. He has been successful so far with the garbage they’ve put out there. They first tried Jay Fiedler but at the end of his reign they brought in Brian Griese in, thinking that since his dad won a Super Bowl with the Dolphins, maybe signing him would end the curse. It didn’t. They then tried Gus Frerotte (see Redskins) and Joey Harrington but nothing worked. They brought in Chad Pennington who performed admirably but always seemed to get hurt by this damn Marino curse. Chad Henne has been the quarterback ever since and it hasn’t been pretty. Ryan Tannehill looks like he has also been affected by this damn curse.

How to Exorcise the Demons: On the day before the Super Bowl, give money to the team that you think is going to win so they can sign Dan Marino for a day so he can get his ring. Until he does, you will be cursed.

Cleveland Browns

Name of the Curse: The Mile High Curse

Cursed Since: John Elway’s legendary “Drive”

From what I’m told, in the 1980’s the Browns were a force to be reckoned with. The Browns were perennial playoff participants behind Bernie Kosar and a very productive offense. Twice in the AFC Championship games the Broncos broke their heart. First, when John Elway led the Broncos on a 98 yard drive (known as ‘The Drive”) and the very next year when Ernest Byner fumbled going in for the tying touchdown. Since that time, the team has been cursed. At one time they tried have two Miami Hurricanes on the roster to no avail. The curse got so bad that the team actually moved to Baltimore only to win a Super Bowl 5 years later. When they got a team again in 1999, the curse was still there. It infected 1st overall pick Tim Couch and since then it’s been ugly. Kelly Holcomb, Jeff Garcia and Trent Dilfer were some veterans they brought in that never worked. They tried young quarterbacks in Charlie Frye, Derek Anderson and Bruce Gradkowski but all failed. In the 2008 draft, they moved back into the first round to steal Brady Quinn with the 22nd pick. Except he ended up stealing from them. They now are relying on RG3 and Josh McCown. Hey at least they have the Cavs.

How to Exorcise the Demons: Have Earnest Byner break into John Elways house and steal his Super Bowl rings and throw them into Lake Erie.

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