Week 1 Game Predictions | 2015 NFL Season

Week 1 is almost here and it’s time to put our money where our mouth is (no actual money will be put up). Every week Jason, my human, Myself, Samson, and our friend Mascot will pick the games. But everyone plays here, so feel free to add your predictions in the comments or use it to call all of us idiots who never watch football. Enjoy!

  Jason Samson Mascot
Pittsburgh Steelers at New England Patriots Patriots 31 Steelers 20 Steelers 28 Patriots 24 Patriots 26 Steelers 17
Bill “Costanza” Belichick will do anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, to win this game Just look at the coaches, No way Belichick beats silver medal beardmode. I think a Patriot would beat a Steeler. I feel like there is some pro-union / anti-union politics at play. Maybe I’m picking the Patriots because I just got done listening to my Toby Keith cassette on the tailgate of my 1987 Ford F-150.
Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears Packers 31 Bears 14 Packers 42 Bears 10 Packers 24 Bears 16
 A new wide receiver will get a chance to burn the Bears  I know this looks like a crazy prediction but I actually think the Bears will find a way to score 10 points. Probably the Pack will be a little rusty.  A meat packer versus a bear? That’s what a packer lives for… to butcher those bastards
Kansas City Chiefs at Houston Texans Chiefs 20 Texans 17 Chiefs 16 Texans 10 Chiefs 21 Texans 13
 I actually think a receiver may score one of the Chiefs touchdowns.  Houston didn’t have one player selected on the all beard team  This one has racial and political undertones, so I am just going to say that a Chief could probably beat an average Texan.
Cleveland Browns at New York Jets Browns 17 Jets 12 Jets 16 Browns 9 Jets 77 Browns 0
 I feel terrible for anyone who has to watch this game.  Ryan Fitzpatrick, first team all beard at the Quarterback position. Any questions?  A jet would bomb the shit out of the color brown (pun)
Indianapolis Colts at Buffalo Bills Colts 27 Bills 13 Colts 42 Bills 20 Bills 23 Colts 20
Say what you will about Rex Ryan but he always has his defense ready to play. Won’t be enough against the Colts though.  Andrew Luck and Bjorn Werner have magnificent beards and even their coach has a goatee. Colts win easily.  I knew a guy named Bill and he used to torment colts just for the hell of it
Miami Dolphins at Washington Redskins Dolphins 30 Redskins 17 Redskins 24 Dolphins 20 Redskins 14 Dolphins 12
 A battle of two coaches that will be fired at the end of the season. Enjoy this one boys.  Several Redskins on the all beard team.  Trent Murphy makes a big stop to seal the victory for the skins.  If this was in Miami, maybe I’d pick the Dolphins but this one is on land, where a dolphin is utterly useless.
Carolina Panthers at Jacksonville Jaguars Panthers 22 Jaguars 19 Jaguars 17 Panthers 14 Panthers 26 Jaguars 13
 20 years ago both teams joined the league and they’ve done pretty much nothing since.  Jaguars owner Shahid Khan has a beautiful, beautiful ‘stache.  I don’t know the animal kingdom too well and who eats who but a panther looks scarier so we’ll go with them.
Seattle Seahawks at St. Louis Rams Seahawks 23 Rams 22 Seahawks 27 Rams 6 Rams 20 Seahawks 14
 Seahawks win this one but the Rams win the division.  Some of the Seahawks players have some nice beards and is too much even for the fellow follicle faced coach Jeff Fisher  I’ve never seen a goat get scared by the presence of a hawk and I go to the zoo all the time.
New Orleans Saints at Arizona Cardinals Cardinals 24 Saints 23 Saints 28 Cardinals 20 Saints 31 Cardinals 17
 I’m looking forward to learning the names of the Saints players since they have pretty much cut or traded everyone I knew  Rob Ryan gets some beardmode magic to stop Carson Palmer and his fancy new ACL  Both of these can have religious connotations.  I think a saint would probably win. Especially if it was St. Francis of Assisi. That cat was alright.
Detroit Lions at San Diego Chargers Chargers 30 Lions 28 Chargers 24 Lions 21 Chargers 37 Lions 27
 Never bet against Jim Caldwell. Just kidding. Bet against him early and often.  This is a tough one. It is sure to be a great matchup between beard brothers Eric Weddle of the Chargers and DeAndre Levy of the Lions  I’ve never seen a lion hit by lightning but it would probably be pretty cool… and tragic
Tennessee Titans and Tampa Bay Buccaneers Buccaneers 23 Titans 15 Titans 21 Buccaneers 14 Titans 29 Buccaneers 20
 Two rookie quarterbacks and two terrible franchises. Get your popcorn ready.  Google “Titan Greek Mythology” in an image search and you’ll know why I’m rolling with the Titans.  Titan would have wreaked havoc on bucs on the open sea
Cincinnati Bengals at Oakland Raiders Raiders 24 Bengals 19 Bengals 27 Raiders 21 Bengals 23 Raiders 10
 David Carr will easily be the best quarterback on the field… While it’s a slight compliment to Carr, it’s a bigger insult to Andy Dalton.  Domata Peko will lead the Bengals all season until they get to the playoffs when they’ll lose their first game.  I would even take the Bangles over the Raiders.
Baltimore Ravens at Denver Broncos Broncos 31 Ravens 19  Broncos 38 Ravens 24 Broncos 30 Ravens 27
 If this were December or January, I’d pick the Ravens but it’s only September and Manning will be fine yet.  Their offense added a lot of fire power when they signed Evan Mathis… great beard  I think a horse beats a bird. However, if they’re talking about Raven Symone, I change my pick completely
New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys Cowboys 33 Giants 21 Cowboys 45 Giants 17 Cowboys 28 Giants 23
 A battle of the two Directv quarterbacks. I’m taking Artsy Craftsy Tony Romo over Bad Comedian Eli Manning  The all beard team is loaded with Cowboys and they will be difficult to stop this year. They roll easily.  I would assume a cowboy could just shoot a giant.  And define giant. I mean are we talking like 6′ 10″ or like 12′ 8″?
Philadelphia Eagles at Atlanta Falcons Falcons 34 Eagles 28 Falcons 24 Eagles 20 Eagles 35 Falcons 28
 The Mike Vick bowl. Falcons win versus the Pac 12 All-stars  Methhead Dan Quinn gets the ‘w’ in his first game as head coach. ‘W’ stands for win by the way.  Falcons don’t make me think about ‘murica.
Minnesota Vikings at San Francisco 49ers Vikings 20 49ers 16 49ers 27 Vikings 23 Vikings 24 49ers 10
The Vikings will win. Teddy Bridgewater won’t be terrible. Vikings fans will be excited. Fast forward 16 weeks and Vikings fans will be disappointed.  Not to steal ‘Mascot’s’ thunder but have you seen the mascots for both teams? I give the edge to the Miner 49er. The 49ers were just a bunch of gold diggers, not rapists and pillagers like the Vikings.